Who am I?

WHO AM I? I'm told that I'm Hannah, but isn't that just a title given to me by my parents? It doesn't make me who I am. But what does then? Is it my parent's that make me who I am emotionally? Is it because of them that I'm the person I am today? Or was it all my own doing. I suppose they did influence me when I was a child right? You know, monkey see, monkey do. That sort of thing. And then they always told me what was right and what was wrong. But that just a small part of me. Because don't I make myself me? But what is it that I do that makes me, me?? Maybe if I list some trait I can get down to it, what causes me to be those things. Let's see...I'm smart, yet lazy. Funny but sarcastic and cynical. But then I care a great deal for others and their feelings and makes sure they're okay before I am. I'm a constant thinker, who's over analyzing everything. I'm generally pessimistic but for the sake of others I can pretend to be optimistic. I know lately I've been sad and angry a great deal what with everything going on in my life which then causes confusion. I know that I'm very shy and keep a lot from others, making myself somewhat of a mystery. I second guess myself and hardly believe in me. I know why I do the last one, and that's all thanks to my older brother. He'd always drag me down, saying what a piece of dirt I was. Just more dust in the wind. He's sort of caused my self-esteem to be non-existent. My humor is the way it is because I've been crushed with the harsh reality and the truth of what it is. My childhood innocence and the idea that everything is and always would be good was gone. Life sucked. I know I care for others because I've been so humbled over the years that I just have this feeling of wanting to help. I remember when I was little I use to want to be a veterinarian or pediatrician so I could make people feel better. I'd try and make sure that my friends were okay and that, when I was down in the dumps, that it didn't show so I wouldn't ruin their day. That goes along with the pretending to be optimistic when really I'm very pessimistic about life. I'm gonna skip the sad/angry/confused thing because that's just a load of inner turmoil that I need to deal with. But the one thing that stumps me every time is why I want to hide the real me from others. It's so strange. And it's really hard for me to even talk to people. This weird constricting feeling causes my voice to quiver and falter. That's most likely what cause me to be a constant thinker since I can hardly say anything out loud. But then, what causes me to sit alone and push others away? I'm not trying to show that I can be tough and that I don't need others. That's not it at all. Is it because I'm afraid? Afraid that if someone gets too close that they'll use their new found power over me to crush me into tiny pieces? It wouldn't be the first time... Or maybe I just can't handle friends anymore. I've trusted them, put my whole heart out there and they've used me, forgotten me, and in the process made me more of a mess then they could have ever imagined, all oblivious to what they're doing. I'd do anything for them and I'd always assumed it'd be vice versa but clearly the memo was not passed around. I dunno. I suppose that, for the most part, I'll remain a mystery to myself. Unknown. Maybe one day, when I'm older, I'll reflect upon the past and figure out WHO I AM.